Tag Archives for " A Sedated Life "

2 A Sedated Life: Life before Lymphoma

A Sedated Life definition: A life with no Meaning or Purpose.

I wanted a good way to explain how a life that has no meaning or purpose is supposed to sound.  A life that just exists in time. And “A Sedated Life” was really the best combination of words that could explain where I  am coming from.

My 30’s turned out to be a tough decade. Mostly because I was lost in a sea of reality. Out of highschool, I had the fortune to experience all the perks that come with a level of sport only most can dream of.

Snowboarding was the fastest growing sport in the world and growing up in the mountains of Colorado afforded the opportunity to meet the worlds best. Not because they traveled here, because they lived here.

Having this passion and skill set, I was accepted into this new and exciting world. It was a place for misfits, weirdos, and freaks. We learned by doing and through trial and error. We lived an amazing life!

Unfortunately, decisions were made that ended up rattling my world.

Its safe to say that I took the news very hard and ended up holding a grudge for good part of a decade and most importantly I made some bad decisions and learned lessons the hard way. Living in a mildly depressed world, drinking too much, numbing my mind with TV. There were a lot of late nights and not much self reflection. Despising a sport that gave me so much.

I had fallen into The Sedated Life Trap.

If your on the go, Listen to the Podcast episode about A Sedated Life

In 2009, I was Diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Talk about a kick in the ol’ man parts!

And, talk about getting yanked out of the rut you’ve been wallowing in for 10 years.

Everything slowed down to a standstill. But what started to happen was what appeared to be a miracle. Self reflection started to appear, concern was peaking around the corner. And interest in life became decisive.

For the record, I’m no expert. But I’m pretty sure how cancer became such an influential part of my life.

Here are 10 examples to why lymphoma became a defining moment in my life.

1. Anger

Holding a grudge is one of the most hurtful and painful things a person can do to themselves. Mentally this wreaks havoc on you.

What this does to your body physically is it raises your stress hormones.

These hormones, Adrenaline and Cortisol, suppresses your immune system. Anger and resentment are the two emotions that drive your stress hormones.

Think about this, if you are angry and carry resentment for a long period of time, all your doing is suppressing your immune system and causing your body unnecessary stress that can lead to Cancer.

2. Diet

For that 10 years or so after feeling totally betrayed, my diet consisted of very poor decisions. Fast food, high carbs and high proteins. Large portions.

I gained a lot of weight. I’m 6’2″ and at my heaviest weighed 238 pounds. I was a big kid! I would eat four to five full meals a day. Most of the time I would eat 2 lunches.

I never ran the numbers, but I’m sure I was spending thousands of dollars a month on food. My body couldn’t handle the intake of so many calories. it was stored as fat.

3. Alcohol

I was never a drinker in high school. Mostly a straight laced kid with professional ambitions.

When I turned 21, it was an opportunity to socialize with all my friends who were mostly three to four years older than I. It was an exciting time and a lot of memories made and forgotten. Being on tour had its benefits.

For a couple years, Bud Light was the tour sponsor and I traveled with a souvenir skull mug I got in Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. Lots of snowboarding and lots of beer.

This behavior never stopped and I never learned what moderation was. This ended up leading down the road of depression drinking after snowboarding fizzled out.

It turns out that Alcohol affects your body in more ways than thought. Aside from feeling like pounded shit he next day, how it effects your metabolism is most interesting.

In a nutshell, it prevents your body from turning your fat reserves into fuel. Since Alcohol has no nutritional value and is considered a toxin, it suppresses your body’s ability to properly Metabolize food into energy.

4. Exercise

Throughout all my competitive years, the one thing that was always consistent was the amount of exercise I was getting. Hiking the half pipe, practicing the routine I wanted to use in the weeks event to hiking a jump to shoot a photo for advertisements or editorial work.

I was active everyday, all day long as hiking was part of the daily routine. Even though I was probably drinking a lot of beer then, the exercise helped balance it out. Pure caloric burn.

As this world changed, so did my activity habits. Having an injury didn’t help either. Afterwards, I was more inattentive and all my other habits lethargic.

I’m pretty sure that was a contributing factor to the Hodgkin’s I would eventually be diagnosed with.

5. Complacency

Ooo man, there was a part of me that was smug and felt entitled. See, I was given everything when it came to my snowboard world. Paid to ride, free gear, and even traveled the world. Everything was taken care of.

For about an 8 year period, I lived and breathed snowboarding. But it didn’t teach me anything about what life would be like after. Wasn’t even open to learning any skill sets to prepare me for the inevitable. I was living a complacent life.

After the crash, my lifestyle was mostly self destruction. Kind of like burning the candle at both ends.

I was lazy and stuck in a rut which at the time, was so deep and daunting, gettingout seemed to big of a chalenge.

6. Self Concept

The goal of Self Concept is to understand the roots of who you are.  To ask yourself questions about what your all about.  Who am I right now? Defining this question really helps the foundation on why you do what you do.

I had no Idea what Self Concept was before I was diagnosed. If I was to create a pre-lymphoma Self Concept, It would look like this.

I was an angry, overweight, washed up professional snowboarder that felt like the industry was out to punish me. Having now Idea that my own mentality was the cause of all my mental pain.

Check out my post on Self Concept here.

7. Assumptions

I was taught to assume a lot of things before Lymphoma. I always assumed that I would have a career inside the snowboarding industry. I assumed that all my travel and experiences would count towards A life where money wasn’t an issue. I assumed that I would be paid at the highest rate because of my experiences. I assumed that my relationships wouldn’t fail because of my experience. I assumed that I learned all the necessary skills to be able to carry-on a life that was exciting and filled with adventure.

I was so very, very wrong.

Assuming so much set me up for the world’s greatest crash and burn! I have no excuses now that I’m able to look back. Only the knowledge that I’m not going to allow myself to assume that anything will ever be given to me. Ever! You have to work for it. And you have to go through the experience of building to understand the process. You know what, I’m just going to say it now.

Assumptions = Failure

8. Search for Identity

For years I struggled with understanding what it meant to have an identity. I’ve been on multiple sides of what this meant and what it meant to me.

There’s a point within all the traveling and snowboarding work that I didn’t really feel I had a true identity. I knew that I was a snowboarder, I knew that I was from Colorado. I knew that I had a family and friends. I knew that I had sponsors. And looking back at this period of time, I had no clue what this meant.

There was a cartoon I’m sure some of you remember called Beavis and Butthead. For some reason I Found this cartoon to be incredibly intriguing. And so did all my friends. The joke was to laugh like Beavis or Butthead. There was a point I took it way too far and essentially became that character, at least in my own mind. I remember a moment snowboarding in Austria and I did the Butthead laugh over something really dumb.I had a realization moment. “What the hell am I doing”?

It could’ve been the marijuana, it could’ve been the drinking. But I’m gonna say it was all the above and at a young age, I was still very susceptible to outside influences.

Fast forward about 5 years. I was injured, depressed and really felt like my life was over. My family was concerned. I was definitely at a low point in my life. Everything that I knew, even the mentors that I trusted was all thrown into a big boiling pot of Betrayal.

Here’s the kicker, I didn’t know what my Identity was and wasn’t open or allowed myself to take this experience, treat it as a failure and grow from it.

9. Feeling of Belonging

When your depressed and drinking a lot of alcohol, the tendency is to associate with others that are like minded. You talk about your sorrows and life’s frustrations. You’re looking for someone that will listen to you and feel like you have something in common. That feeling of belonging is natural feeling no matter where you social fit in. Everyone wants a friend and someone to relate to. Finding people in my shoes within snowboarding was easy. There was a lot of us that felt like the rug was ripped out from under our feet. The conversations were mostly drunk and bitterness towards the world that swept us underneath that thrown out, ripped up rug.

Even after my lymphoma diagnosis, I was really yearning for a relationship with someone that could understand my pain and vulnerability. Even find some resources on line to help with that fact. Nothing…

A lot has changed in the 9 years after my Lymphoma diagnosis. The feeling of belonging mostly comes from my family and my friends that have been by my side since diagnosis. Relationships have come and gone. Eve lost a couple people.

Ultimately my self reliance into understanding and becoming a better version of myself has gained the support of the people I care about the most. This has helped fulfill my need of belonging.

10. Mindset

This was a game changer! Mindset is talked about in the personal growth world and the term is thrown out loosely as a way for gurus to help sell their shiny object. The truth is, your mindset is one of the keys to helping you open the door for conscious growth.

Once it was explained to me, there are only two real mindsets that contribute to all the decisions that we make throughout the course of our life.

The first is the fixed mindset. It is based on the belief that your qualities are carved in stone.

And the second is the Growth Mindset. This mindset is based on believing you can cultivate your qualities through your efforts and actions. Essentially planting seeds.

There is no doubt in my mind that after snowboarding, my mindset was in a fixed position. I played the victim for many years and didn’t allow myself to accept my mistakes. Not only was I not open to taking the action needed to better myself, I wasn’t even open to doing anything positive period.

You hear the term hindsight is 2020 because as you’re able to look back at experiences and situations that you survive through and take that knowledge when moving forward. That’s what so nice about using history to not repeat future mistakes.

Now What?

I’ve been able to reflect a lot on the mistakes and decisions I made before and after lymphoma. It’s taken a lot of work and I a lot of discipline to get to where I am today. Ultimately my biggest motivating factor is to never experience the feeling of chemotherapy ever again!

Please remember this is my opinion as to why I felt Hodgkins became a big part of my life. In my search for answers, I really needed to look within myself and dissect my life up to my diagnosis.

Little did I know the path this took me on would be forever life changing!

My question to you is…

What are you doing now to never experience Lymphoma treatment like you went through? Hit me in the comments below…