Yesterday was the culmination of anxiety and fear. I went to St. Anthony’s Central for a procedure called a Bronchoscopy. The doctor and nurse numbed my nose and sinuses and put a small tube through my nostrils, into my respiratory tract and into my lungs. They took a biopsy of my lungs and also a biopsy of the spot in my PET Scan in my chest. I didn’t feel a thing! Granted they numbed my throat, and gave me a little Michael Jackson juice. I even watched part of the procedure on their TV. Little bit of a trip! This is why I like modern medicine. Some of the stuff they do is very fascinating. I really felt this was non-invasive. Dont get me wrong, I had a tube shoved into my nose and then into my lungs. But with no pain, does it matter? The Biopsy the doctors took in November was invasive. A big ol’ needle shoved into my right side. And I was awake for that only under local anesthesia. That Sucked! I guess what im trying to say is the fear and anxiety that we experience due to the unknown can some times be unbearable. Only after you look at the experience in hindsight, you wonder why you were so afraid…
Went to a friends going away party at the lodge and spa and was talking to a friend and acquaintances about my Hodgkin’s. Went through the “how are you feeling”, “fill me in on what’s happing” questions which I dont mind. Its actually a little therapeutic. The conversation led to the heavy topic of Death. One of the things that you go through is the uncanny fight with ones ego and everything that goes along with feeling ill. For the record, I have never thought about giving up or suicide for that matter. But I do understand why some one would want to do that. I have too many things I want to do and places to go. Golf to play, jet fuel to burn, but most important love to give to my family and friends. To me, its obvious that my will to live is much greater than my will to die. It has motivated me to get some of my life’s loose ends tied up. Regular and living Wills. Probably just do it through Legal Zoom. I’ve had a lot of soul searching time and have lost a lot of friends over the years to snowboarding, driving and drugs accidents. Not having a clear vision after you cant make decisions is very irresponsible. Not so much to myself, but to my family!
I haven’t gotten my results back from the lab yet as they should come at any time. I have a pretty good idea on what is going to be the out come and im cool with it. My fingers are crossed that it is just an abnormality or anomaly. But I cant guarantee. I can only go on my gut feeling.
So I write this while waiting at a fork in the road. Im not afraid, no mater what the result, I am prepared and ready to fight!